The Fremont, Des Moines

This little gem is just a short bike ride from Des Moines's East Village. At East 9th and Fremont, it's a favorite hangout in a blue collar neighborhood. Naked women and retro album covers grace the black walls. With sporadic live music, it draws a late night crowd and is seldom busy before ten. Also, they have a good bathroom.

His and hers on the west end of the building, the ladies room features a sturdy hook and eye lock system, giving me the confidence to pee freely knowing that no one's going to barge in. It felt like being wrapped in the embrace of a burly pirate. A bare bulb hangs garishly over a wood grain toilet seat, a memento from your grandparents' cabin. The flusher is a little soft, so be sure to depress it for a good couple seconds. But if your pee is as clear as mine by the time you break the seal, it doesn't really matter.

That's what I like to see

The sink is modern, sunken into the counter with a hygienic stack of tri-fold paper towels to the side. I suspect the unnaturally blue hand soap itself is some Amway brand, but it's in a fancy-looking bottle. Points for the effort. A mirror above the sink reflects back to a smaller mirror hanging above the toilet, if you need to see the back of your head to comb out the sex hair, or whatever the case may be.

Overall, the single stall is clean and female-friendly, the hand soap seems to work, and there's always toilet paper. For a sausage-fest bar with pinup girls all over the walls, the women's room is happily hospitable.

See their website here.

Rating: 7.4/10

The Grasshopper Cafe

While visiting family and friends for the holidays in historic Charlestown, MA, we happened upon a neighborhood restaurant called The Grasshopper Cafe. This charming establishment has all of the things I love about a small town restaurant:

-Upper middle aged wait staff with thick Boston accents who instantly make you feel like a regular
-All day breakfast menu (Yessss)
-Local produce/dairy suppliers
-Good Frickin' Food

Their large menu offers a little something for everyone, and practically everything can be ordered vegetarian (if you're into that sort of thing...) I myself had a veggie burger that was delicious, and their fries are home made. Duh.

After consuming my sizable lunch I felt that all too familiar pressure down south, indicating a need to use the lavatory. I don't know about you guys, but my digestive tract responds almost instantly upon eating a meal, making way for the new food to make the miracle journey from mouth, to stomach, to bowl. (obviously I glossed over some important steps in the middle there, but you get the point.)

I needed to ask where the restroom was, as it was tucked away down a back hallway that also leads to the kitchen. Depending on my mood, this can either add or dock points. I love the idea of a secluded place to work, but I also know that when it's time to get the job done, it needs to be done right away. The precious moments spent searching for the rest room could result in a humiliating public passing of gas, or worse, so I like to find the bowl as soon as humanly possible.

I was greeted by a single unisex commode, which, again, is hit or miss. If done right, the single bathroom is my favorite. If neglected, it's a nightmare. This bathroom, fortunately, falls in the favorite category. Delightfully decorated for the Christmas season, stuffed woodland creatures in Santa hats hung from every hook and knob, making spirits bright. A strategically placed potpourri Christmas tree sat in the corner filling the room with the light cent of cinnamon, cloves, and children's laughter. Toilet paper was your basic one ply, but these docket points were quickly made up for in its proximity to the kitchen, where the clattering of pots and pans easily covers any incriminating sounds.

The toilet, tile floor, and sink were quite clean, but for the standard bits of toilet paper and towel here and there. Nothing offensive. Everything from the toilet paper, to the towels, to the soap was full to the brim as though a Christmas elf had JUST replaced it before I walked in. There is nothing worse than being trapped in a single stall without paper products - there is NO ONE around to assist you.

The sink had a large slanted mirror that could be used as a full length by simply stepping backward toward the door. This is always a plus, as I like to make absolutely sure I'm in tip top condition before exiting the restroom.

I will most certainly return the next time I am in Boston!

Rating: 8/10

Reconnecting to the Poopiverse

Wow, guys. It's really been a while since we chatted. I wanted to send you an update and let you know that I have NOT abandoned you, forgotten you, or neglected to shit over the past few weeks. In all honesty, my shitting has likely been at an all time high this holiday season.

With Christmas and the New Year come and gone, I find myself back to the old routine. As we begin 2012 I solemnly vow to uphold my duty of producing dooty and letting you know how it all went.

Stay tuned, I'll be kicking it off with a review of a restaurant in Boston, MA, and the world's most bizarre poop facts!